Romeo and Juliet Sort of
by lady ix
Summary: lady ix gets ahold of a classic. gasp. horror. shock. come read it and see what you think.
1. Act I

Disclaimer: Me no own-y. You no sue-y.

Romeo and Juliet (or "Why Hormones are Bad for your Health")

Act I

The story of Romeo and Juliet starts out with your normal everyday street brawl started by a couple of brainless servants who didn't know any better, think West Side Story except with no snapping fingers and less choreography. Actually, truth be told, there was about the same amount of choreography, but the only thing that the poor fingers had to do was be bitten. No wonder that insult never quite caught on.

Any way before we begin to butcher this classic even more lets get some history. It all starts out with the Montague's and the Capulet's. These two families have been at each other's throats for no particular reason for time out of mind. No one is sure why this is. Could be that they just like fighting and find one another easy targets. However the most plausible rumor speculates that the whole shebang began when a second cousin of the Montague's stole some of the Capulet's prize cattle. This would explain why the Capulet battle cry is "Vive la Vache!" which means, "long live the cow" in French (1) (this could also be due to the way the elder Lady Capulet looks, no one knows for sure). So, anyway, back to our story.

The Prince of Verona was getting entirely fed up with loosing so many taxpayers to street fights between the battling clans. Not to mention the cost the local sanitation engineers charged for cleaning up all that blood off the streets. And don't even get him started on the wages the city watch was now demanding now that the job risks had suddenly taken a leap. So logically he decreed that any one caught fighting would be immediately put to death. Makes perfect sense to me. And this is how it stands at the beginning of act one.

After one of these daily "misunderstandings" in downtown Verona, Romeo, son of Lord Montague, comes mincing along mooning over some broad named Rosaline who hardly even knows he exists. But alas and alack Their love was not wasn't meant to be, either that or Romeo is just a little bit on the fickle side which is too bad for Rosaline who missed her chance at fame. (And wouldn't the title be nicer with some lovely alliteration in it? Or not…)

Accompanying our hero today were his two swashbuckling, happy-go-lucky, frat brother friends named Mercutio and Benvolio. After some cajoling they convince Romeo to crash a Capulet party, which conveniently enough was being held that very evening. Romeo was reluctant to go, feigning love sickness to get out of it. He is persuaded when Mercutio tells him Rosaline will be there. All the same Romeo said he had a bad dream about going to the party coughhinthintcough must have been that fettuccini Alfredo he ate before taking his mid afternoon nap.

A few hours later, wearing their best party tights and masks so they won't be recognized and made targets for a favorite party game entitled "skewer the uninvited guests" the three interlopers arrive at the Capulet's summer villa. (The Capulets winter in Venice where there is a relatively low Montague population and the mayor doesn't mind a little bloodshed in the streets.) After a little lurking in the shadows and feeling very rejected, Romeo spies a gorgeous girl across the dance floor. Dramatic Holly Wood music starts to play. Their eyes meet and they fall instantly in love with each other. Of course.

Romeo minces straight up to her (well, as straight as anyone wearing uncomfortably tight and itchy tights can mince) and with the audacity that only a hormonally flooded teenager can manage kisses her straight on the lips without so much as asking her name, which just happens to be Juliet, only child Mr. and Mrs. Capulet. Yes, those same Capulets that are the sworn enemy of the Montague clan. What a coincidence.

When people start yelling for the couple to get a room, Tybalt (who was named for the Prince of cats.) (in pops random Tolkien fanatic

"Oh, like Telvildo(2)!"

"Well yes, sort of, but not really." replies the bemused narrator. "For one thing, he's not really an evil cat. Not yet anyway. Wait a second. Where in the name of the gods did you come from? This is Shakespeare."

"What, you mean this isn't a Tolkien fic?" cries the fan in exasperation.

"Great Valar, no!" screeches the narrator.

"Oops, my bad." random Tolkien fanatic pops out, hopefully landing in a more suitable fic.) a hot-headed cousin of Juliet's, recognizes Romeo and gets ready for rousing round of "pin the rapier on the Montague", but before he can do anything he is stopped by Lord Capulet who isn't too keen on getting blood stains in his new white carpet. (Oxy-Clean wasn't around then.)

About the same time, Juliet's nurse came and told Juliet that her mother wants her. After Juliet left, Romeo asked her name from the nurse figuring it was going to take a name at least to get to second base. The nurse, always glad to talk, obligingly told him who she was and would have gone into some embarrassing childhood anecdotes if she had the time, or Romeo the patience (or the audience enough barf bags). Later that same evening, Juliet learned who Romeo was from the nurse. Don't ask how she knew who he was. It is a long complicated plot between the servants of the warring households for world domination involving a baked potato, some extra crispy chicken stripsand one very confused llama.

_End Act I_

1. I know what you're thinking, French phrase, Italian setting, it just doesn't add up. Well, there's a very simple explanation- I don't speak Italian but I do speak French and this is, after all, my story. OK, so it's not really my story, per say, but I'm borrowing it. So until I have to give it back, it's as good as mine.

2.Telvildo is an early Tolkien creation first found in _The Lost Tales (Vol. 2)._ He was abandoned in favor of Sauron later on. Yes, I'm a Tolkien nerd, get over it.

(A/N): Thisexercise in the absurdstarted out as a Freshman English assignment. (Yes, I actually got points for this monstrosity, believe it or not.) Now it's getting an update and getting posted. Reviews are always loved. ConCrit might be heeded, praise will be framed and publicly displayed, and as always flames will be laughed at and used to roast Mary Sues.


	2. Act II and bits of Act III

Disclaimer: Do you really believe that I own Romeo and Juliet? I mean really?

A/N: Thank you to all my reviewers who have encouraged me to keep writing. Sorry it's taken so long to get this up. Blame it on the International Baccalaureate program. I know I do. I've portrayed Romeo as kind of a whiny nancy-boy (Nancy-boy (noun): What Orlando Bloom turned Legolas into. See also mincing prissy). Sorry if this offends anyone, but that's really the impression I got from him. First person to spot the blatantly obvious Monty Python allusion gets a gold star and a pat on the head.

_Act II and a bit of Act III_

Later that evening, after the party was over, Romeo gave his friends the slip and leaped the Capulet's orchard wall (he was on the Italian Olympic high jump team) in order to see Juliet. After climbing off the back of a now very surprised and confused llama, he starts wondering around the garden, taking full advantage of the free food. Suddenly, he spots Juliet standing on the balcony outside her window, with her hair up in curlers, flannel pj's (complete with fuzzy slippers), and a pore strip on her nose; but it's so dark he doesn't seem to notice. They both stand there muttering poetic nothings to no one in particular for several minutes until Juliet finally realized she wasn't alone and quickly pulled off the pore strip.

"Oh shi—I mean… umm…Romeo, Romeo, why for out thou Romeo. An eggplant by any other name would smell as sweet."

"Eggplant? Don't you mean rose?"

"No, I'm quite sure it was an eggplant."

"Well, okay, if you're sure. But what does an eggplant smell like anyway?

"It doesn't matter what an eggplant smells like, just answer my bloody question."

"All right, all right, no need to get touchy about it. I'm Romeo because it was either that or Herbert and I really wouldn't like to be called Herbert. "

"What's wrong with Herbert? My grandfather was a Herbert."

"Well, it's not really very Italian is it?"

"Are you calling my grandfather unpatriotic? You've got some nerve you little weasel!" Juliet screeched in full bitch mode now, complete with one hand on her hip and the other balled up in a fist waving threateningly in Romeo's general direction.

"Oh bugger. No, I'm not calling your grandfather unpatriotic. I really don't care. Listen, when we get married, we'll name our first kid Herbert."

"Who said anything about getting married? I certainly didn't."

"But I thought you loved me. Don't you want to get married and have loads kids and all that good stuff?"

"Only a guy could ever say something like that. Listen, bub. Yes I like you. No I will not marry you. And hell no, we will not have tons of kids. Do you know how incredibly painful childbirth is?"

"Umm. No. But I do love you. And if you don't marry me, I'm sure I'll do something stupid" sniffled Romeo, his eyes filling with tears and his lips forming a pout.

"Oh all right, if you're going to whine about it. I guess I'll marry you."

"Yippee! Uh, I mean, right, good. Thank you. I think."

"What have I gotten myself into?" muttered Juliet.

A few minutes later, Juliet's nurse called that it was time for her bedtime story. Juliet blushed crimson and muttered something rather unpoetic.

Just as the sun is creeping over the hillsides, Romeo made his get away from the Capulet's orchard, cleverly evading the llama, which was now bent on revenge. Seeing that his hide was entirely safe from any vengeful Capulets (and their pack animals) Romeo goes to visit Friar Laurence. The good Friar was already up puttering around his garden, picking weeds and gathering herbs.

As soon as Romeo came into view, the Friar looked up and asked who he wanted to marry this time.

"What do you mean this time, my good Friar?"

"Oh, come on. I never see you here for confessionals, but you come to me every other day asking to be married to some random girl. You're the biggest man-slut I've ever seen."

"I'm really not that bad. Am I? And anyway, I'm serious this time. I really love her."

"Yes. I'm sure you do. And any moment now, a whole flock of pigs is going to come flying by, right?"

"But—but please?" the hurt puppy dog eyes make an appearance again. "You don't even know who I want to marry this time."

"I know I'll regret this. Who is she?" asked the Franciscan, taking a swig of water.

"Juliet, daughter of Lord Capulet."

Seconds later, Romeo was drenched with water, and Laurence was coughing into his cassock. "What? Holy Mother, are you insane?"

"Do you really want me to answer that?"

"If I marry you two, both your fathers' will be after my blood!"

"Please? Pretty please with sugar on top? I'll buy you a pony. And a My-First-Alchemy set." Romeo got down on his knees and begged.

"Oh, fine. I never wanted to be a priest anyway, I wanted to be… a Lumberjack!"

"I thought you wanted to be an alchemist."

"Same difference."

So later that day, while her nurse was attending the Evil Plotters Anonymous meeting, Juliet sneaked (yes, believe it or not, this is the correct tense) over to the chapel (I'm goooing to the chapel and I'm goooing to get marararied.) and in a short ceremony (Man and wife. Say man and wife.) became the newest Mrs. Montague. (Since the author has gone over her parenthetical qualifiers quota, there will be no more parentheses in this chapter. Thank you, that is all.) After the wedding, Juliet ran back home, and Romeo nanced to the town square.

There, Romeo ran in to Benvolio and Mercutio who were about to have it out with Tybalt over something terribly inconsequential that was never fully explained, but it is said that the argument started when Tybalt insulted Mercutio's turnip growing ability. When Tybalt started to insult Romeo, he kept his cool and began intoning, "I will not kill the in-laws. I will not kill the in-laws."

The Buddhist mantra thing works, but only to the point when Tybalt stabbed Mercutio. Realizing that friendship is thicker than wedding rings, Romeo set out to avenge Mercutio. When Romeo and Tybalt are through fighting, there is one less Capulet in the world and Tybalt's soul immediately went and possessed a nearby tom-cat, because as the saying goes, Heaven didn't want him and Hell was afraid he'd take over.

(In pops the same Tolkien fanatic "Hah! I told you there was an evil cat in here somewhere!"

"Yes, bully for you. Now go away, you're interrupting the flow of the narrative and you made me use parentheses again," replied the annoyed narrator.

"Mary Sue," muttered the fanatic before popping out of existence

"Spawn of Angband! Get back here and say that to my face!" screamed the author. Suddenly, she noticed the audience patiently waiting for the story to start again. "Oh, sorry. Now on with the show.")

With his great knack for timing, the Prince arrived on the scene right after Tybalt expired and Romeo fled. Because Tybalt really wasn't that great a person and because he was in a generous mood that day, the Prince spared Romeo's life but banishes him instead. Friar Laurence, who just happened to be in the crowd, dashes off to find Romeo and tell him of his fate.

_Exeunt. _


	3. Act MCIII

Disclaimer: Yes, I own it. And the clouds outside your window are forming the word gullible.

_The Narrator would like it to be known that she has now officially lost track of the acts because it's been about four years since she actually read the play. _

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Juliet's nurse came in crying, gnashing her teeth, and screaming about somebody being dead. Juliet, always the optimist, automatically assumed it was Romeo she was crying about. Why the Capulet's nurse would be mourning a Montague fatality, was never fully explained. At this point, the plot tends to become rather boring and tedious, involving several hissy fits, a secret marriage, and several unhappy monks who get sent on pointless missions. The details of which now follow, because without them the chapter would very short indeed.

"Oh, shut up!" Juliet's nurse exclaimed after she realized Juliet's crying was not for the late Tybalt. "You just stay here and try not to do anything too stupid. I'm going to try and fix this."

At Friar Laurence's cell, Romeo is waiting impatiently for Laurence's return with the good news. When Romeo learns of his punishment, he launches into one of his patented "Why me? Oh woe is me! My life is over!" fits à la Luke (and Anakin) Skywalker, Belgarion, and Harry Potter (they all took the same correspondence course for helpless victims of circumstance. All passed with honors) Finally, Laurence got so fed up with it, that he smacked Romeo. That shut him up. For about five seconds.

"Whadja do that for?" Romeo whined as the narrator cringed at the grammar she just inflicted on her readers.

"Because I've had to put up with you all these years, and you finally pushed me over the edge. It's people like you that make me long for the days when the most annoying thing in my life was the possibility that my latest experiment would blow up in my face." said the irate priest without pausing for breath. "Has it ever occurred to you that maybe you got off easy?"

"But I'm a tragic hero. Whining and dying are what I do. Sorry, mate, can't change that."

"Oh what I wouldn't give for a good infusion of nightshade right about now." Laurence muttered.

"What did you say?"

"I said, uh, that I'm sure we'll think of something."

Just as Laurence was refining his plans for herocide, Juliet's nurse came in.

"Look, see," she said adopting a Bugsey the GangsterTM mode of speech for no particular reason. "This is what we're gonna do, see. You, nancy boy. You're going to come to Juliet's room tonight, see? And you're going to do things I'd rather not think about, see? Then you're gonna get the heck outta dodge, see?"

Some hours later, against her better judgment, Juliet's Nurse, whom we shall now call Marge, because the narrator is tired of typing Juliet's Nurse, put her ear against the door of Juliet's bed chamber.

"No, no. You go like this, then I go like _this_ and then we both turn around and attempt to do it backwards," came a female voice from the other side of the door.Marge walked away shuddering and wishing for a very large drink. Or maybe several. Yes, several very large drinks definitely seemed in order at this juncture.

On the other side of the door, a very frustrated Juliet was attempting to teach Romeo how to do the Macarena.

"This is ridiculous!" he finally shouted (but not too loud, because even though he wasn't too sure what his wanker was for, he was awfully attached to it.) "Can't we just play Go Fish?" he asked plaintively.

"No," Juliet responded. "This is my wedding night, and we'll do what I want."

"Oh, I was just under the impression that the wedding night had something to do with the bed…" Romeo trailed off hopefully.

"Nonsense, it's too early to go to bed. Besides, we've still got to do makeovers and tell ghost stories. I know this great one about a prince in Denmark who swears his dad was following him around."

And so it was that an exhausted Romeo (Juliet kept him up all night, giggling about her friend Viola and he was sure there was something in there about Juliet's undying love for him, but he couldn't be too certain because he stopped listening around 3:30) set off on the road to Manchua at sunrise.

"On the road again. I just can't wait to get on—Ow!" Romeo's singing was stopped abruptly as someone chucked a bedpan out of a second storey window, hitting him squarely on the head. "Everybody's a critic."

A/N: I know, short chapter. Bad ix, no cookie. Anyway, there is the review button, you may use it.


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